Little Girl Growing Up

Dear Lindsay,

I surprised you by coming to your first cello concert today. You told me later that it made you smile from ear to ear. What you probably don't know is that those kind of words fill me with the best kind of happiness. You are growing so fast now and sometimes I wonder if you will grow out of this childlike abandon that I adore.

It was only two weeks ago when I watched you get on the school bus an hour before your brother for your first orchestra practice. I didn't tell you that I cried as I watched you climb bravely onto the bus. My little girl growing up.

It has been many months since I have been able to pick you up, although I love it when you climb into my lap that is slowly disappearing. I love the times when we kiss your brothers goodnight and you and I slip away to watch a TV show together.

Last weekend, we went on a road trip to see family. You didn't complain- not even once! We swam in the hotel pool and I couldn't help being reminded of how you have learned to swim confidently in just this past year. You are determined. If you want to do something, you find a way to learn. I love this about you!

It is an incredible thing to watch you grow into yourself.

But with all of the changes, with all of this growth comes the inevitable questions. Some of them, I am ready for. Others make me feel like that day when you got off the bus in Kindergarten yelling Mommy, I lost a tooth. I am not ready for some of these things, because when I look at you, I see my baby girl and this past decade passes before my eyes in a blur.

Just last week, you asked me one of those knock-me-over questions. You asked me if I would still love you when your sister is born.

I was so surprised by this question that I don't know if I answered it in the way that I wanted to answer it. So, let me answer it here.

Lindsay- you changed my life in all the right ways. You were a sweet answer to years of prayers. I thought that I had learned how selfish I was when I married your Daddy, but giving birth to you revealed more of that selfishness. You taught me to truly love another selflessly- and my marriage to your Daddy has been blessed by this growth.

I cried when you cut your baby finger on a soda can. Rejoiced with your first steps. Ached with missing you when we left you with Nana and Papa for the first time.

I had two years to fall in love with my baby girl before we introduced you to your brother. Do you remember how scared you were to see me in the hospital after Ethan was born? I remember going for a walk with you, wanting to ease your fears. You have loved your brother well ever since.

I didn't want to send you to preschool, Linds! I have always loved being your Mommy and selfishly, I wanted to keep you home with me. But your Daddy and I prayed and we knew that it was the best decision for you to go to school. Each new year has brought different joys and struggles. You have always marched to the beat of your own drum. Sometimes the beat has been beautiful. Other times it has meant difficulty for you.

And through it all I have loved you fiercely.

I thought that my heart had stretched as far as it could possibly go. But God thought differently and Gibson was born- our special surprise. I thought that you had been a good big sister to Ethan, but I hadn't seen anything yet! The way you love Gibs, the way you play with him and the way you take time to make him feel special thrills my heart.

And so Lindsay, to answer your question, it would be impossible for me to stop loving you, even if I tried! I have no doubt that God will continue to stretch our hearts, just as He has been stretching my belly for these past 8 months, when we meet Ainsley. But sweetie~ no one will ever replace you! It's not possible.

You have a special place in my heart that cannot be filled by anyone else. Your unique mix of gifts- your creativity, your love for books and writing, your ability to sketch and illustrate, your ear for music, your quirkiness- these all combine to make you this perfect masterpiece that God has painted so beautifully. And as much as I might want to keep you little at times, I love this growing up that God is accomplishing in you.

I love you, Lindsay!
Always and forever,
Mommy