This post is for the (in)Couraged Flock- a group of ministry wives that I have the privilege of encouraging and co-leading with my friend Amy. However, anyone is welcome to share their thoughts in the comments!
There may be some women who grew up wanting to be the wife of a man in ministry. I was not one of them!
As a pastor's kid, I had seen firsthand the joys and the struggles of being a ministry family and although I loved God and wanted to serve him with my life, I did not want to be a pastor's wife.
But God had different plans. And as I have accepted and even embraced this calling that He has placed on my life, I have been able to rest in His perfect plan. Not that I rest perfectly. Even after 15 years, I still struggle at times and ask the "why?" questions. But I am learning.
Being the wife of a man in ministry can often feel like living under a microscope. Expectations abound. Criticism is given freely. Misunderstandings and assumptions can be a way of life.
But being a wife of a man in ministry can also be absolutely fulfilling. Encouragement abounds. Compassion is given freely. Mercy and authenticity can become a way of life.
Perhaps being a wife of a man in ministry comes easily for you. It IS what you always wanted to do. You are gifted in the areas that are traditionally expected of a ministry wife. You are confident in your understanding of the Bible. You love working with children. You are caring and compassionate. You make wonderful meals and happily deliver them to those in need. You play the piano!
But maybe it doesn't come easily for you. And you often think this is NOT what I signed up for! Maybe you feel insignificant or unappreciated. Maybe you feel inadequate. Maybe you are afraid that others will see how unprepared you are for this task that you have been given.
Maybe you flip flop between these two or you fall somewhere in between. But being the wife of a man in ministry is not about how you feel on any given day. And it is not about how your congregation or the people that you minister to treat you or feel about you.
Being the wife of a man in ministry is not about you. It is about God and what He wants to do in and through you.
Understanding this has changed everything for me. Instead of trying to figure out what the expectations are, I have sought to discover who my God is. What does HE say about me? How does HE want to use me?
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galatians 1:10
This verse has become one of my favorites- and one that I often use to test my motives and my actions. If I am doing what I do simply to make other people happy, I am not a servant of Christ. If I am living my life according to the whims and opinions of others, I will only find emptiness.
So, practically how do we do this? How do we keep the critical voices from overpowering the truth of the still small voice?
Please share your thoughts in the comments and for the (in)Couraged Flock group- discussion is now open on our facebook page!
One of the best things anyone ever told me about criticism is that I should listen. And that, usually there can be a little nugget of truth in there somewhere. So we should absolutely not let what others think determine our actions but when the critics come we should listen with a humble heart. Also, as a ministry wife, criticism seems to abound. So it is vital that I know God's Word and am continually growing closer to Him. The more I know God personally and the more I look like Jesus then the more I am able to discern what criticism is true and to rest in the confidence that I am following God. The criticism is a pain, but so far, I've seen God use it to refine me.
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts and perspective, Mandi! I too have seen how God has used criticism to refine me. But it must always be viewed through the lense of His Word and His truth. I couldn't agree more that it is about getting to know Him- and that is the way we are able to discern that criticism is true or not! Thank you!
DeleteIn the earlier days of our ministry I did EVERYTHING...women's ministries, Sunday school, office work, all while raising our three daughters. Now, at age 55, I'm a little more confident in say no to other's expectations, and saying yes to what I feel God wants me to do. However, there seems to still be that nagging voice inside that wonders what people think, "do they think I'm lazy?", "what if I'm disappointing someone?", or the worse, "What if I've made someone feel neglected?" That voice is a tyrant! I try to ignore it, but am not always successful.
ReplyDeleteI think that is why I love Galatians 1:10 so very much! I am a recovering people pleaser :) and this reminder to only seek to bring glory to Him has been so freeing. And of course, that doesn't mean that we don't do anything, but it does call for wisdom and a need to not listen to those nagging voices. It has been wonderful to be surrounded by a congregation that understands the importance of the body of Christ being exactly that- and challenging it's members to serve out of their gifts. It has not always been that way, so I am very thankful! But I wonder if my husband and I had to go through those difficulties to teach us these things? I think that is part of it!
DeleteI appreciated what you shared here. I never considered the pressure you must have as a spouse to someone in ministry. I can only imagine the challenges and the range of emotions that you could have on any given day. May God give you the grace on your journey!! :) Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteIt can be pretty difficult, but you hit on something very important- God's grace! It IS enough, when we are willing to trust Him and depend on Him. My journey has taught me to rest in his grace, so what a beautiful prayer you have shared! Thank YOU!
DeleteSince I became a ministry wife overnight I had a huge learning curve to overcome. My husband and I often remark that seminaries should have a course for pastor's spouses, since it is a very different way of life. I found early on that not only did it bother me that I seemed to come last in my husbands life at times, but that church people really have no boundaries. These 2 areas led to a lot of heart to heart discussions and we both struggled with it. Thankfully we came out strong as a team.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more, Aurie! Since I grew up as a pastor's kid, I feel like I have been trained all my life to do this thing. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be thrust into that role. It's why we need one another to help navigate these waters that can sometimes be pretty tricky.
DeleteI am thankful that you and your husband have been able to do this together. So many ministry families fall apart, because they don't have that strength. I'm also thankful for this opportunity to encourage one another!
being a woman in ministry can be tough at times as well. some people aren't afraid to share their views of that. i am SO grateful though, that Joel and I are both in this together.
ReplyDeletei am always reminded by God that everyone has the same goal. we are all called to some form of ministry in our lives.
every day there is that pressure of going to everything, doing everything, having every conversation be "uplifting" for every person that approaches you on the weekend, smile all the time, lead every group, make follow up phone calls, actually pray faithfully for those you said you would pray for :)
i am not perfect. but for some reason, God sees me equipped to do what i do. if there is any good in me, it is only because of Jesus. i love what i do, but boy do i sometimes need someone to minister to me as well!
Oh, Sara! You are absolutely right- there are so many similarities. But when I think of how faithful God is in providing us with the encouragement we need- whether through husbands or fellow brothers and sisters- I am just in awe. Even when I am feeling the most overwhelmed, He reminds me that He is there.
DeleteI think there might be a pressure too to struggle with admitting that we are not okay and that we need to be ministered to. Yet this is so essential! We certainly need others to pour into us. Love that you are able to share that, Sara! May God continue to work in and through you! Proud of you, my friend!!!
PS you are amazing! thanks for bringing this up- you are not alone! :)
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